Celebration of romantic holidays is a focus this time of year:  New Year’s Eve, when we want to be with that special someone at the magical stroke of midnight, then Valentine’s Day, celebrating all that being in love means.  It is a time when we examine our lives, often making resolutions about making changes to rekindle the excitement and passion of new love.

Humans are a contrary species, wanting the security and comfort of a committed relationship as well as the breathless, swept off one’s feet exhilaration of being newly in love.  Is it possible to fall in love and stay in love?  Yes, it is.  First you must understand the process.

When we fall in love the world looks and feels different.  The sun shines brighter, colors are more vivid, food tastes better, everything is more intense.  Our lives feel out of control but we are enthralled by the wild ride and have no intention of getting off.  It is like we have found the perfect drug and in a way we have.

Falling in love is like being high on drugs, but these drugs are naturally produced by the body.  (If you’re really interested in the science of it, you may check my website.)  Unfortunately, our bodies are not meant to function in this state for very long.  After six months reality begins to set in and by thirty-six months the euphoria is gone.  The time allotted to being in love is long enough to act on the attraction, begin the process of procreation and develop a more committed relationship.

When we are “in love” we feel that we will die if we are not deeply connected to someone else.  However, when we look to someone else to complete us we lose our ability to stand on our own two feet.  The ability to function as an independent entity is what allows us to be truly and deeply connected to another in a lasting relationship.  We are a couple because we make a conscious choice to be together, not out of fear of being alone.

A successful, long term relationship requires effort and commitment.  It requires us to love and honor our partner.  The longer you are with someone the more your acts of love need to reflect their wants and desires instead of your own.  However, our natural tendency, when we are faced with an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation, is to try to get our partners to do things our way instead of focusing on what would make them happy.  If your partner’s idea of fun is to raft down swirling rapids, surprising him/her with a slow cruise around the Caribbean may not elicit the desired response.  If your partner is overworked and stressed out doing a load of laundry or cleaning up the kitchen may be appreciated more than candy and flowers!

Thriving relationships also require mutual respect.  Be aware of how you treat your partner.  Do complete strangers, or coworkers, receive more attention, more consideration of their needs?  Do your patterns intentionally include time for playfulness, for meaningful surprise?  Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, to show your partner how much you care.  Writing a letter is one way to let your partner know this relationship is a priority in your life.  Creating occasions for celebration which have deep meaning for you and your partner is another.

Building and sustaining solid, fulfilling relationships require daily effort and energy.  It is easy to fall into a routine and take your relationship for granted.  If a relationship is to thrive and endure, it must be nurtured as if it were a separate personality with its own needs to be met.  If your resolutions included rekindling the excitement and joy of your relationship, these suggestions may be beneficial to keep you on track for the entire year.

Author Bio

Lesli Doares is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the Raleigh, NC area, an author, speaker and seminar leader.  In her practice, Balanced Family Therapy, her focus is on helping couples build strong, secure relationships.  Lesli and her husband have been married for over twenty years and have two children.  To learn more about how to have a great marriage visit her website www.balancedfamily.com or contact her at lesli@balancedfamily.com.

Lesli M. W. Doares, MS, LMFT
Balanced Family Therapy
4505 Fair Meadow Ln., Ste. 106
Raleigh, NC  27607
(919) 781-1392
lesli@balancedfamily.com